Category: Football

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Gareth Southgate tries to call up Ivorian after realising all the English players are shit

New England boss Gareth Southgate admitted this week that he had tried to call up Wilfried Zaha, who plays for the African country Ivory Coast. He said in a statement, “I would have loved...

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City stars forget to tell each other what they plan to wear

Last night, Manchester City’s players and coaching staff all arrived at Manchester Airport having committed the social faux pas of all wearing the same outfit. One eyewitness said, “they looked very embarrassed having all...

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Manchester City forced to pay ‘Bedroom Tax’ on all empty seats

Manchester City have been told by Manchester City Council that after a random inspection of their Etihad Stadium home they are liable to pay millions of pounds back to the exchequer in spare room...

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Alan Shearer gets erection on live television

There was shock on Monday night after Chelsea’s defeat of Manchester United when Alan Shearer appeared to get a bit overexcited when talking about N’Golo Kante’s sexual performance. It was plain to see the...

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Derby County chairman resigns over Steve McClaren hiring

Derby County chairman Mel Morris has resigned his position at board level over the embarrassment of having hired Steve McClaren twice. He told friends, “I just can’t face walking back in that room and...

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Warren Joyce fails to convince Wigan players they’re allowed to pass the ball forwards

Warren Joyce’s managerial stint at Wigan Athletic came to an abrupt end today after just 4 months in charge. He is the latest in a long succession of Latics managers that have not managed...

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Nicola Sturgeon signs petition for Champions League replay

Scottish National Party leader Nicola Sturgeon has reportedly signed the petition created by a Real Madrid fan to get the last -16 Champions League tie between Barcelona and PSG replayed. An SNP spokesperson revealed...

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Lincoln boss: I’m confident, Arsenal are shit

Danny Cowley was in upbeat mood on Friday ahead of Lincoln City’s FA Cup Sixth Round tie against Arsenal at the Emirates. He said, “I watched both legs of their Champions League tie against...

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Referee: “Yes I threw the Barca-PSG game, I had a tenner on Barcelona to qualify”

Deniz Aytekin admitted in a recent interview after the unbelievable comeback by Barcelona against PSG on Wednesday that he had deliberately sought to let Barcelona qualify for the Champions League quarter finals. He’s quoted...